On Saturday Morning We Will Rule The World

The Wrong Beginning 

"Really? Is that really what you're starting off with after a five week gap, a lazy sort-of, 'am I right guys??' meme? 

And isn't it a bit hypocritical given you haven't even been arsed to write anything for yonks whilst all this oh-so-exciting domestic action has been going on?"

All I said it was coming back - I never said it would be good. 

This is at best a quick clip show. But composed of bits no-one's ever even seen before, so lacking even that 'oh yeah, I remember that' moment where a flash of recognition can be fleetingly mistaken for 'oh yeah, I enjoyed that'.

So, that England - Denmark game, eh??

As if. Those depths will never be plumbed - the below, that Alan Cumming pun and giving Chew Lips Album Of The Year - yes, but if you ever catch me anywhere near going on about a) the Englund or b)what a money-grubbing gobshite Sir Steve Redgrave is then you can shoot me at Wembley ("what, Wembley?") before the next exhibition game. 

That's No Way To Win A Tie

For Everton this is without doubt our biggest game of the season - and its one that, in some ways, there area absolutely no statistical positive omens for. We haven't won at Arsenal for over 18 years. Since we beat Sheffield Wednesday 2-1 in in 1990 at Hillsborough, we've won ONE game away from home in the FA Cup against a top-flight team (an excellent 2-0 win at Sunderland in replay 2 years ago, although the game loses a lot of its sheen given how the replay came about and what the win led to...).

So, the draw, you would have to say, wasn't kind to us.

Still A Long Way To Go

But! It could have been worse. Only the most bitter, one-eyed loon could say they'd rather be going to Anfield with the form they're in and the memory of the humptying we got there in January still fresh in the mind (even then though, the last round showed twice how quickly defeats can be avenged: Arsenal reversing a 1-5 shellacking by Liverpool, and City totally outplaying Chelsea, hot on the heels of the opposite being the case).

They are beatable (Stoke beat them last week, so if anyone thought on reading that 'they're not' , well, they just fucking are), but we have to show an attitude and an approach that can help will the win to happen that we haven't seen for such a long time.

So much so, that the only real comparison I can think of is, uncannily, the last time we did win anything, and the result at this stage (albeit at Goodison) in beating an undeniably good, yet fragile Newcastle side 1-0. For some reason, I remember this being the only round I really thought we might go out in then, and similar could be true this year too - if we somehow make it into the semis you'd hope they feel they can take on the world.

As indicated by those stats above, it will be a virtually unprecedented result if we do it. But, tantalisingly, not an entirely unprecedented performance: we acquitted ourselves well at The Emirates in both April & December, and deserved the 0-0 and 1-1s we got. Its still a big jump up from there to winning, but if you're going to win the cup, you have to beat top teams - if you're going to be good, you have to impose yourself on opponents and say "we're winning this" which is exactly what we did in 95.

Run Run Romelu Run

It'd be unfair to say that any one particular player has to single-handedly inspire that attitude and approach (very experienced guys like Howard, Baines, Barry & Pienaar have to too), but if one player can embody it and be 'thee factor' then its clearly our on-loan top-scorer. Although he wasn't totally fit (and Martinez also wanted to make a show of "being fair" to Naismith) it should have been a wake-up as to just how much his form had tapered of before getting a knock at Anfield that such a choice was even possible. Imagine asking in the summer "How'd you go with upfront? Neezy Naismith or that Lukakee lad?". The mind would have imploded at the nonsensicalness of there being any shadow of a doubt.

When he came on, to be fair, he went a long way towards restoring his reputation with a clinical finish and an appreciable lift to the pace and intensity of the forward play all round. More of this please. 

Which Way To Biff 'em?

He will clearly play, as will Mirallas - although the other forward slots are a tough one to settle on. Barkley has been MOTM in those two draws, and Deulofeu was the one who made sure the teamwork got at least some reward in the latter of the two. But neither have been playing well lately. Pienaar, Naismith and Osman are arguably in better form, but have rarely, despite their qualities, done it for us in huge games. If I had to pick, I'd go Howard; Coleman, Stones, Distin, Baines; McCarthy, Barry; Mirallas, Barkley, Deulofeu, Lukaku. The way games have gone lately, we've done better when changing it to bring experience on (Osman v Swansea, Pienaar v Villa, Naismith in both) than the opposite and trying to freshen it up with Deulofeu & Barkley in the last 20 (ineffective at Spurs & downright counter-productive at Chelsea).

Bad Boys & Painful Puns

Another exciting aspect of being in a high-profile later-round-of-the-cup show-piece is that you know it'll be on Tv, but which channel will be it on*? If its BT Sport who get the gig** will scourge of the women's bridge club rooms across the country Andy Gray be summoned to punditrise from on high? Cards on the table (another bridge reference, which goes nowhere) - I enjoy Andy Gray. He gets into a game, knows what he's talking about - and he does his best to make it seem a proper big event. He's basically Gerry Lawlor.

And did anyone ever say 'oh, I'm not sure The King is really a suitable person to be doing colour on this, what with him being a bit of a lech?'.Or as Sky seemed to suggest by re-leaking that old clip: "Oh, we're not sure it sets the right tone - for people who are often in a pub, often drinking, often having a bit of a laugh whilst watching the game, whilst being bombarded with adverts for more drinking and ever-more convoluted ways of gambling, by a company owned by a man who's other business is the home of Page 3, who's sister-channel employs an endless troop of hot young busty thangs to bore people to death by repeating Bournemouth's injury crisis latest every ten minutes - to have knowledgeable guy involved because he went 'phwoar' once".

Absolute nonsense.

Sky Sport's position is even then completely inconsistent. Shane Warne is described in the excellent Twirlymen by Amol Rajan as the man who "had sex with a student, had sex with a mother of three, sex with a TV assistant, sex with a women on his BMW, sex in Kevin Pietersen's flat...whilst married" but he is one of the best commentators on the sport at the moment, so have him and pay him (lavishly) to do so - are they worried they're going to lose viewers? People reckoning 'I agree with that tactical insight, but he's a crass bugger after a few drinks I've heard, so I don't accept it'.

Of course, both Gray & Warne are actually good.

David Pleat has worked extensivley for The Guardian, BBC, ITV, AL Jazera, The Daily Mail and ESPN. The Daily Mail who described Gray-Keys-gate as "a mysoginistic sexist storm of shame", happy there to give paid work to David Pleat, who was arrested three times for curb-crawling and soliciting prostitutes. So catually breaking the law and harming people - whilst offering insights such as

"There's Thierry Henry, exploding like the French train that he is" 

& 

"The Dutch will be wary of the big lad pulling off at the back post"

An English Gentleman

The laddddddz innit!?! The laaaaaddddz tho! The! Fucking! Laaaaaaaaddddz!!!

Well, isn't it? Its very easy to be superior and dismissive of that level of humour, but sometimes, isn't there a kernel, a seed, a hint of truth and insight some of the time?

I think there is, and here's an example of why. On the infamously - and admittedly far more miss (wahey! It implies an unmarried woman. With zing-rated wazzers!) than hit LADBible, I saw this:

Just on its own....I think its relateable situation described in an economic and light fashion. The same day I was finishing Three Men In New Suits, J.B. Priestley's bitter take on the emptiness of life for returning soldiers in 1945 and was struck by this passage:

"Oh damn and blast!" (she slumped her head on his shoulder and slung her arm round his neck"
'Are you crying?' asked Herbert, astonished
"Yes, you fathead. Hold me a minute - and shut up"
So there they were, by the dim canal, the night settling around them, while she sniffled and her heart thumped away. All of it was a complete surprise to him. He had forgotten how odd and unexpected girls could be. He could not have said whether he was enjoying it or not. This particular experience had to be judged outside of mere enjoyment or otherwise.

More detail, more atmosphere, more use of the word "fathead"...... but describing essentially the same, peculiar, difficult to explain situation.

Was JB Priestley the LADBible of the 40s? Is the LADBible the JB Priestley of today??

That, this time, is the end. 

*this is disingenuous bollocks. Its definitely on ITV. But if I allude to the chance it might somehow not yet be decided, I can drag this bit out from the clipboard which was topical at the time but not used as I went out instead of finishing off the 'Spurs Away' preview.

**Its not.