Tall Drink Of Water She's A Norfolk Waterfall

Football season returns, and with it one of thee most sparsley updated & least missed blogs going......in a special all-new extra-loose format!

The Game
Can't remember the last time I saw Norwich play and the only action I've seen of Everton's pre-season was a 2 min video of the Under 19s drawing 1-1 in Betis, on my phone, whilst waiting in the foyer/lobby at work - both goals were really nice moves worked up from the back and neatly finished, but I dont think this offers too many clues as to how things are going to go over the next nine months -  so for a full tactical run-down its fair to say there's probably better places to go.

I'm quite glad about my lack of revision as far as Everton go though, as

i) non-competitive football is high on the list of things that could just be culled from TV without any value whatsover being lost
ii) watching the games just seesm to have made people miserable earlier than usual. Both Greg O'Keefe in the Echo & Mark O'Brien (thisisnotfootball.co.uk) were pretty pissy about the win(!) over Betis' "over 19s" on Sunday.

I'm sure the game was pretty uninspiring stuff, but its a pretty accepted Everton thing that this 'traditional' home friendly is a total waste of time - there have been two 0-1 defeats against similar opponents in fairly recent seasons without any of the negativity. I suppose any change to the extent there's been in Moyes leaving and Martinez coming in will make people look at things in a different way, but I'm of a very broadly supportive view of the new regime and if we keep the same squad as we have now, can only see us finishing 6-8th again.

Norwich have apparently bought well, with 'that Leroy Fer' who we wanted in January but failed his medical, Hooper off Celtic and this Ricky Van Wolfswinkel guy (right):

As far as I can tell, the two strikers are fixing the mistakes they made last January in getting in the absolutely dreadful Becchio off Leeds and Kei Kamara - who scored a total of one goal between them (see below) up til May. More goals, then, has to a likely result - although certain blog co-owner's predications of them making up a 19 point gap on us seems less on the cards to me.

For what's it worth (ie not much) I think it will be an open game and if I had to bet, I'd go 2-2 with Everton playing well and maybe doing something annoying like throwing away a 2-0 lead.

Last Season

One of the least enjoyable venues for one of the least enjoyable halfs of Everton. Watched it, breaking a self-imposed exile from Cuffs on The High Street to watch a 1-0 up stroll turn into a spirit-sapping 1-2 defeat following the inexplicable tactical switch to take off the only striker we had on and try to hang on to the slender lead in a 4-6-0 set-up.

Both games against these last season were exactly why I was never signed-up to the In Moyes We Trust battalion (1-0 up at home, no changes, no going for the 2nd. 90th minute inevitable equaliser followed by reactionary gesture substitution of putting Vellios on in the 91st minute) - and why I do think there's room for improvement. The pressure and lack of keeping the ball up the other end paving the way for Kamara and Grant Holt to score horrible goals and leave me saying we got what we deserved whilst some of the more rabid patrons joined Moyes in blaming the ref for playing too much stoppage time.

Obviously, I've actually stated just now that I think the same kind of thing might happen, but hopefully that would come from failure to shut-up shop rather than doing it unnecessarily, too soon, and unsuccessfully.

Info on Cuffs from http://www.inapub.co.uk/venues/cuffs/liverpool/l158he/11323

Facilities available:

General: Real Ale 

Pub Sports:Poker

Events:Karaoke, Quiz

Location: City Centre

Food times: Any time

The nearest thing to a Real Ale i've ever seen there is a Tetleys, its not City Centre, and the rest is pure fantasy based on my intermittent ventures there over the last decade

Jelavic

The player who was bafflingly taken off was the Croatian One-Touch specialist, who despite losing all remnants of form last season is probbaly my favourite player in the current squad. Even amid ignoring all the friendly buisness I managed a smile at seeing him spoaching a few goals.

Hopefully he will be the first choice striker as to my eyes he's a class and a bit above Anichebe & Kone. If we are going to create more cahnces in general then he shouldbe in there - its interesting the way when a player did well and the perceptions people have can be shifted. Everyone agreed he had a rough time last season but he still got some vital goals and his record (although pretty average) of 8 in thirty odd games was excatly the same as Big Vic - who in general was seen to have had a really good time of it.

Jelavic is sound by me anyway.

Classic Game
Bringing together all the elements from above, a match at Carrow Road, watched in a grot-hole converted police station, with a 2-0 lead squandered and a vital contribution from a not-everyone's-cup-of-tea but coll-as-fuck-to-me striker.....Norwich 2 Everton 3 from October 2004. Kilbane & Bent put Everton totally in control , it went 2-2 before Ferguson nudged home a minimalist classic of a towering header to snatch the win.

Talking of uninspring management, I remember being absolutley certain Norwich would go down when the one-man charisma typhoon that is Nigel Worthington said in his after-match interview that he "never really thought they could go on to win" despite them having a nothing-special Everton line-up totally rattled and the crowd rocking at 2-2 - if he didnt think they could win then, then it wa shard to see when he would....

Ed Balls
Hopefully I will be able to shoe-horn in a reference in every one of these (if there are any more like), but this is an easy one:
http://www.edballs.co.uk/blog/?p=3199

a by-all-accounts very knowledgebale Norwich fan as well as being one of my favourite names on the scene, it has to be said that he and Labour are having a poor time of it at the moment. 

Mark Steel's column in the Independent today is basically right - he does his trademark thing of thinking of one funny comparison ("It'd be like if..."), then stretching it that bit too far so that you end up thinking 'yeah, its not actaully like that is it though mate?'  - but the general point that the party's reluctance to come out hard against the Government has now reached a tipping point is spot on. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/mark-steel-is-ed-milibands-labour-party-prepared-to-do-or-say-anything-at-all-8763544.html 

As a member and from the grudgingly-accepting of the need fro them to play some issues a bit less radically than would be ideal, even I am a bit confused as to why they have been so silent and so almost deliberatley easy to ignore of late. Balls went to the game with Andy Burnham a few years ago, and I think they played up front together in the Labour v The Press match a while ago but from the hints in the Guardian interview with Burnham last week it sounded as though they're unlikely to cosying up next to Delia and Stephen Fry tomorrow. 

 http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/aug/09/labour-risks-defeat-coalition-warns-andy-burnham

Hopefully that's wrong and they get back working together and get the party's collective arse into gear again soon, and realising that they personally have to take responsibility for getting people interested, getting people engaged and getting the idea out there that they can make a differemce and are determined to do it. Because, as politicians go especially, they both surely as people realise that they are just not getting through currently. The imperative need for this is two-fold: 

i) the country is in serious danger of sleep-walking into sticking with the shower who are in power at the moment in the next election if Labour do play-down to their current suppine form, with absolutley horrible consequences for society 

and ii) even more paramount, we need really, as a nation, need more pictures like this:

Everton v Swindon 1994 Gary Ablett

Preamble
Very, very sad news about Gary Ablett. I'd be a bit surprised if anyone said he was their favourite player, but I remember him as being one of the few reliable & reliably available Everton players in my introduction to football - from 92-94 - when Everton were at best ramshackle.
Hopefully not to trivialise an upsetting, young death, this is the game i first thought of when i heard that Gary Ablett had died, maybe because its a similarly crisp, chilly January day....

Build up
Des Lynam - CLB/HWF
Mike Walker.....
"a great appointment" "the best thing that's ever happened at this club.."
Well, we can all go back and find things we've said that maybe weren't 100% true in hindsight but these chaps set a high-watermark for 'bad shout that'. In some bad early 90s sports-casual too.
Crowd 'One Mike Walker!!!'. I'd cringe if i didn't not go to this game, still I think recovering from a hideous 0-1 defeat to West Ham on New Year's Day followed by an all-nighter playing Batman on the Megadrive at my cousin's....
This in the days when MOTD went with one big game and really went with it, lengthy highlights, which got lucky here in an eight-goal thriller, otherwise the 25 mins allocated could take some padding..

02.47 ~ nice turn there by Ablett, self-parodic twisty turney dribble by Beagrie, whose shot is blocked but the move is salvaged by Horne & Ward, Jackson gets in behind, Cottee lays it back and John Ebbrell slots in an atypically classy finish.
1-0.

Brett Angell, imovable from all Everton Worst Players lists and with sound reason. Clive Tyledsley just said on commentary he'd been out of the Southend team since early December. So we signed someone who wanst getting a game for Southend?! Someone who also had already been on loan at us once and in their only game lost 1-5 against Norwich. From that its not really a surprise that he was somewhat underwhelming is it...

06.20 ~ after an iffy looking period where Swindon could have got a goal, it looks like its a bit against the run of play when we double our lead. Angell, silencing his post-facto internet wise-ass critics, hold the ball up, lays it off to Beagrie. Somehow Swindon fail to get onto the fcat that he's going to jink inside onto his right and shoot. He does just that and gets off a shot that you'd expect the keeper to do better with - if you had any preconceptions about Nicky Hammond at all other than 'rubbish' - but Michael Rappaport spills it & Ebbrell rolls it across for Tony Cottee to tap-in.
2-0 (Half-Time)

08.20 ~ after a bit of waffle about how much fans & Mike Walker are going to put style ahead of results, presumably as an expectation setter for Vinny Samways' arrival, Cottee latches onto a long ball and thwacks a good effort back off the crossbar.
09.00 ~ from that corner, Swindon clear in the ensuing midfield melee, Andy Mutch elbows Ebbrell and his gnarled, horrible face is rightly sent off. As Tyledlsy quips "not many people will have too Mutch sympathy for him"
10.30 ~ two up versus ten men, Everton inevitably decide to ease-off and the crowd are getting growly even before Summerbee skins Hinchcliffe and puts in an excellent cross which is headed in by John Moncur
2-1

12.30 ~ classy play by Ablett leads to a counter-attack, then corner which Cottee nearly turns in. Swindon then go up the other end, and Ian Snodin (who I never liked) attempts an hubristic outside of the foot flick which he was never good enough to anywhere on the pitch on the edge of his own box, giving the ball away to his not-really name-sake Paul Bodin, who slots home with aplomb
2-2

14.40 ~ a 45 year old Terry Fenwick clatters Beagrie on the left. Beagrie takes on the free-kick and from under the Nicks Shoes hoarding....yup, cuts inside onto his right foot, floats the ball in and after Jackson's header hits the bar Ablett is on hand to smuggle the ball home. A scruffy but vital goal. After the replays you can just hear a slightly imperfect 'oh gary, gary..gary,gary,gary, gary aaa-belllll-ettt' chant.
3-2

16.00 ~ This would have been taking the piss. Swindon come straight back at us and Jan Aage Fjortoft neraly levels again with an outrageous volley. Then lets himself down a bit with a flambouyantly camp wave of the hand afterwards.'Scorpion Dry Lager'. I bet that was nice.
16.30 ~ Strong midfield battling by Ebbrell & a good ball gets it to Mark Ward's feet. Ward, who I remember being absolutley loathed by the pensioner-centric Lower Bullens group my granddad was part of at this point, ignores their 'you're no Tommy Eglington' unimpressedness to slot a nice ball through to Cottee who puts the ball away & game to bed.
4-2

17.30 ~ clive Tyledsley uses the word "spectacular" twice in one sentence to decsribe Beagrie robbing a labouring Fenwick to rampage forward and lash a shot over. Immediatley afterwards, Ward pings another ball through to Cottee, the ball break to Ebbrell who balloons a shot over an unguarded net. Noteable mainly for how much he wouldnt be allowed to be playing on now with blood all over his face.
18.30 ~ slightly obnoxious crowd 'wahey'ing ends with another good link-up between Ward & Cottee with teh winger being pushed over for a penalty. Further interplay betwixt the diddy ex-West Ham players results in Cottee ("whhhhhhhhy not??") going for his hat-trick nad putting it away despite the goalie gettiung both hands to it.
5-2

20.25 Stuart Barlow replaces Cottee, and its played into acres of space on the right. From his cross, Angell & Ebbrell keep the ball alive for Beagrie to head in and unfurl his trademark - spectacular - celebration.
6-2

Everton 'basking in the glory of a famous day' is the commentary sign-off...'and in the longer-term, who knows what (Mike Walker) can achieve here?'

*spoiler alert* It didnt go that well.

Its easy to look back and get fed up of Moyes' inflexibility & predictability, but when you look back at this less than stellar couple of years it easier to appreciate that. Players just used to turn up after not being near the team for months (Warzycha, Mo Johnston), signings were complete scattergun affairs (Kenny Sansom, Preki)...and in succesive games three QPR players got hat-tricks against us in scores of 2-4,3-5, 0-3.

Gary Ablett had a great career and was one of the better players for Everton in a period that was essentilly awful, but will always be remembered fondly by me & people of my age. RIP.

Joe Scott’s Take On ~ “Turtle Master” by Jakub Kujawa

Well, firstly, as a painting this is very – extraordinarily – green. The focus is on this Asiatic character who is saddled atop an emerald-skinned beast. The title is a slight red herring here though, because he/it isn't a turtle. He's a...um, well a kind of newt with legs and horns. I think the shell on his back is not a natural part of him – rather it's been grafted on in some way by his chief - the true Turtle Master. In which case it is likely a scalp from a previous triumph.

Alternatively, it could be a prized souvenir from a pet turtle he used to cherish, and perhaps the death of which prompted him to assume the Turtle Master title and attempt to wreak vengeance. I think it's beyond what can be deciphered from this piece how he came to pair with and harness this creature, but as I say, I'm of the opinion that the big shell was attached on by the Master to his steed, and that it was happenstance that this then also provided a smooth yet solid saddle for him.

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." Korean Proverb

We're intruders in some sort of lush, mountainous valley, the fence on the left seems overgrown and unlikely to prevent any entry or passage by the most inoffensive of souls, let alone provide defence against this amphibious marauder.

I'm not convinced that the batch of tiny turtle/terrapins are fleeing the Master (his back-pack looks like it could be filled with shells of previously snared animals of their ilk), although that could be what's going on. I think it's slightly more likely that the depiction is of them as part of a horde or army, rolling and sliding ever forward to capture new pastures for the Turtle Master to claim as his realm.

He's wearing a very nice hat, slightly too short trousers (possibly tactically selected, as you'd imagine that grass gets quite dewy), and a kind-of rusty orange pull-over. I can't imagine that this is his full Turtle Master uniform, if so it's mightily underwhelming, so another possibility is that the protrusion from his ruc-sac is part of the garb he puts on when he goes into action. My deduction would be that this depicts the troupe en-route to a later appointment.

"Looking for peace is like looking for a turtle with a moustache: You won't be able to find it. But when your heart is ready, peace will come looking for you." Ajahn Chah


The ogre-ish animal he is straddling wears a semi-clownish expression; a miss-leading Land Before Time style goofiness will likely have lured in and snared unsuspecting foes before now.

He seems to have been fitted with a very standard reign-like contraption to the mouth by the Master, the apparent flimsiness of which leads me to assume that he is at least partially tame and in league with his rider – not being controlled against his will. But he does look a touch dozy and easily distractible, so it makes sense for the Master to have the option of reminding periodically him who's boss.

"The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile." Ogden Nash

The Master is smoking a very thin, threadlike pipe. Nothing in the picture explains what substance he is enjoying – if you take the position that he is in fact in pursuit of the flock of miniature beings, to feast upon their fleshy innards, scrape clean their shells , add them to his haul and continue to conduct a purge of all turtle-like things on the continent, then it would not be too much of a leap to imagine him grinding the bones of his unfortunate prey into a fine 'snuff' and greedily gulping in their fumes to "feel at one with his quarry".

It's a striking vision certainly, but as earlier stated, not one that I necessarily subscribe to.

An added ambiguity is the extremely dainty little cow-bell-esque device he's brandishing – a petite, fancy embellishment at odds with his no-frills, man-with-a-job-to-do demeanour. One interpretation is that this is a freshly secured trophy: he and his troupe have just vanquished the previous occupants of this desolate domain and the bell-ended baton pried from the erstwhile ruler of the land. Another is that he just has a soft-spot for pretty sticks that make a jaunty little jingle-jangle as he rides along.

"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; The flowers appear on the earth; and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land." The Bible


A lush, beguiling work which demands the viewer use their imagination at every stage.

Film Roundup ~ Dvojka (‘Twosome’)

2009 Czech Republic. Director Jaroslav Fuit. Starring Kristyna Novakova & Jakub Wagner
This was the fourth and final FACT instalment of the Czech Film Festival package which seems to be 'touring' the country in March and April. I don't know if there is only one reel available of each – whether this one was wound up, packed in a box and posted off to Edinburgh, but I quite hope so – in the interests of quaintness I think that would be for the best.

If true, the contents of the box in Dvojka's case will be far less charming than the process it is being transported by. Harshly filmed, road-trip gone bad, relationship-turned-sour, featuring three pretty unlikeable characters, with a glumly inconclusive and uncathartic ending, set in wintery Scandinavia.....although it has plenty of admirable qualities, attractiveness is certainly not one: Quaint It Aint.


The film is extremely modern in most ways, and the sparse, unfinessed camera work (the whole film has an 'untreated' look to it, similar to the lack of sheen you get on Deleted Scene features) and this dovetails very well with the grey, washed out buildings and scenery that make up the backdrop to a couple who have been together for five years ill-fatedly deciding to take a holiday together to attempt reinvigoration. The crashing boredom and over-familiarity which necessitates this is very well demonstrated in the opening ten minutes. Jakub Wagner as Michal works alone in a soullessly bland office, spends his money on a new TV and Playstation for his similarly ascetic flat, where his girlfriend Veronika (Kristyna Novakova) mopes aloof and frustrated – their only interaction being her acting as selector (by shouting 'stop' at random) of which team he is going to play as on Fifa.

As they lay totally disconnected in bed later on, with her asleep we can see the cogs in Michal's frustrated mind turn as he lies awake and comes to the decision that this is a crisis and something must be done. The next day he wittily uses the same method as earlier to have Veronika unknowingly choose the destination for the holiday which both unspeakingly realise is make-or-break for them.

Sweden picked as the destination, Michal hurriedly books & pays online for accommodation and after bland discussion over how many pairs of boxers should be packed, hopes and spirits rise fractionally and they set-off in her dad's car to catch the ferry. Predictably, but believably, the journey is doomed from its inception – a knowing quip by the would-be-father-in-law about a "roomy" backseat nixes Michal later on when he feels uncomfortable and unable to have sex in the car. Before they get to that point, more mishaps strike: A tyre bursts and Michal is unable to fix it – assistance has to be sought from a trucker, to irritation all round; the last ferry of the day has already left when they arrive; and disastrously when they arrive at their destination he realises that his hurried internet booking has only resulted in fuelling a scammer – and the sizeable sum he has paid is lost. With nowhere to stay and Veronika mocking him for his ineffectiveness, she goes to sleep in the back of the car. Michal then for the second time briefly steps and takes charge of the situation (driving through the night to re-start the break in Copenhagen) only to again undermine his good work (acting the misery-arse, whining at her for buying postcards, and being a sulky idiot).


She leaves him alone to mope into his "not good" kebab and can of Coke, then trudge back to the white-washed motel, whilst she goes off to enjoy herself – latching on to a group in a seedy bar, treating stranger to drinks on Michal's credit card and flirting with a 'cool' fellow Czech, who returns Veronika, senseless with drink, to the motel. He then uses his "streetwise" nous to wangle payment for the taxi, room for the night and, eventually, a ride in the car for the directionless next stage of the twosome's expedition.

The best way of describing Simon, the drifter, is as very much in the Super-Hans tradition. His vices and general behaviour (constant drinking, shop-lifting, denouncing Michal's choice of music as "wanker's tunes", general lasciviousness and sudden switches in character) are all very similar. In fact, you wonder whether the director has followed Peep Show – at a push the entire picture could be seen as a film version of Mark taking Sophie on a doomed excursion, and the bleakness of the situation leading them to unwisely pick-up Super Hans (Simon is too unlikable and cynical to be Jeremy) .
The next few days are slow torture for Michal, as his flaws are exaggerated by the new-comers flighty, capricious approach and he is made to look square, impotent, fussy and old in comparison. Simon takes them all to a beach-house, deserted at this time of year and belonging to an associate. Bike trips, swimming, visits to the nearest town are all just further opportunities for Michal to look worn-out and a lost cause. Simon's ascendency is hardly unchecked: he very murkily almost overseas the robbery of their car, arranges a meeting in a dive where Veronika is harassed, inexplicably is found to carry a gun ("gunny"?), and confesses to "sucking off a horrible, smelly Turkish truckdriver" to get a ride in the past.


Despite this less-than-stellar CV, Veronika is so disillusioned with her long-term partner's relentless glowering that the attraction between her and Simon quickly escalates. Things reach a nadir when Michal – who has constantly chided his girl-friend for her partiality to alcohol – is driven to take his "first drink for a year", and, after downing bottle of vodka, produces a master-class in self-embarrassment. He slurs insults at the other two, swears, sings, sweats and shows himself up to the extent that he jumps on the couch pulls his pants down and encourages Simon to repeat his Turkish truck driver's treat. Finished, spectacularly, he retreats to bed and for the first time the growing magnetism between the other two moves up a level, and they have sex and fall asleep intertwined on the couch.
Michal comes down the next morning, sees what he must have feared to be inevitable, and realising he had fuelled it with his pathetic display the night before takes himself off to the sea. Waking up Veronika is regretful, dismissive of Simon's suggestion that they take-off together and the sense of emptiness for all concerned is overwhelming. Simon slopes off to presumably move on to the next free-ride, and the other two head back silently, resentfully, bleakly bound for home and a division of their belongings – she is to move out.


No redemption and no 'new direction', just a glum drift apart. This was though, a very enjoyable 90 minutes with glimmers of humour and tenderness flecked amid the overall drabness. It was very realistic, with moments especially when Michal's constant awkwardness made you want to scream "mate, stop being such a dick" at him. He is too easily duped into letting the chancer into their world, initially against his girl-friend's advice ("I don't feel comfortable with him around") – but they both seem to dread being left alone together so much that he is grudgingly allowed to become a permanent third-wheel. Veronika doesn't cover herself in glory, sleeping with Simon even after ridiculing at his flagrantly insincere pre-sex patter, drinking like a fish throughout the whole film and nit-picking and sniping. Simon is a terrible man, espousing a vacuous 'go with the flow' approach to life ("don't think of it as stealing – tell yourself you're just borrowing the shop's stuff") and fleaseing everyone he meets.

As I said, not much in terms of a hero in the characters, although the director Fuit deserves to be seen as something along these lines for keeping the intrigue and authenticity up throughout such a depressing chain of events. The white/grey, sanitary, hand-held camera tone is perfect for the story, and the sound-track is great too – although I haven't been able to track down any details. However I did find out this:
According to the Reflex magazine's Jan Hřebejks annual survey, this debut was declared the third most successful new Czech feature film of 2009.
And what higher praise could there be?

Rating:

Film Roundup ~ Love and Death

1975. Director Woody Allen. Starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton.
I remember at one of my infrequent gatherings at my humble, some would say less than swelteringly hot, flat, someone complaining once that the Woody Allen book in the bathroom was a bit creepy. It would be better if I could remember who/when it was, as it would sound a lot less like just a contrived recollection to work in as an opening to this entry, but it did happen – and is revealing as to a prevailing attitude and ignorance about the Woodster.

From the first reactions of some people, you'd think his litany of films should be filed under 'adult' and treated as a bit of an exception – a niche, semi-pornographic anomaly that would be of no interest at all to the majority. You get the impression that he wouldn't mind that and would probably actually take it as a perverse compliment – as he would the fact that someone would find a photo of him on the cover of a book a bit too repellent to go about their bathroom business.

It's odd that his kind of stock-in-trade romantic comedy (he arguably invented the entire genre of 'relationship films'), which he can turn out to a decent standard in his sleep, are exactly the style of movie that plenty of people are happy to watch ream upon ream of witless facsimiles of, without wondering what the market leader is like – like eating every type of Dairylea, processed Kraft or Babybel but never being tempted to go for a real piece of cheese.

This in fact isn't one of the 'template' genre ones – it's very difficult to say what this film is actually going for – and because of that reveals one of the qualities he has , which may be more praiseworthy than all the usual epithets lobbed at him ('wry', 'observational', ' nihilistic' etc) and that is: He does not give a fuck.
What was he thinking putting out a 90 minute, virtually plotless, period piece that is basically a loose through-line for him to get as money one-liners and smart-arse quips in as possible and have he and Diane Keaton dress up in some fantastic Russian costumes? Was there ever any focus-group, 'what do the public want?'-style think tank that produced a pitch remotely like this:
"Parody of classic literature. In czarist Russia, a neurotic soldier and his distant cousin formulate a plot to assassinate Napoleon. With Marx Bros/Chaplin-esque slapstick vibe"

Sonja: Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.Boris: Yes, I've said that many times.

To just fancy doing something like this, do it, put it out and not pander in any way to audience maximisation or any such nonsense is a fairly brave thing to do. It's absolutely unimaginable to think of any comedic celebrity nowadays coming up with anything within a million miles of such an unusual and non-commercial idea.
Five years before this, he was still writing jokes for other people and doing stand-up sketch shows on TV. What is the likelihood that , say, by 2015 Michael McIntyre will write, direct and star in a totally individual feature-length film simultaneously celebrating and satirising the key figures and literature from the collapse of the Soviet Union?

Current would-be peers of similar stature do indeed tip-toe into the film milieu – but the way in which for arguments sake, Russell Brand & Ricky Gervais have done it is so much more cynical and planned to the most small detail.

Both are very clever and funny, and you'd imagine both do have fairly interesting opinions and thoughts, but if you compare the safeness and predictability of the roles they've taken in 'Hollywood' to the type of film I'd guess they'd like to be associated with in an ideal world, the conclusion would have to be that they're either not ambitious & brave enough - or more worried about doing something alternative that flopped than following their own instinct.

Part of his lack of concern for critical reception I think must come from the decision to just keep on ploughing his own path and have almost decided that barring exceptional circumstances, he's going to put out a film every year regardless of reaction to the previous release. This taps into a much bigger truth that is not often mentioned in critical assessments, maybe because it's very simplistic: artists are more interesting the more they put out, erreors, mis-steps and all.

Invariably, when a band takes four years working on an album it's a huge let-down. It must be difficult when you're the person actually charged with creating something, and the temptation to over-do it and the desire for everything to be 'perfect' is understandable, but when you step back and look from an uninvolved perspective, the folly is frustrating.
REM put out their first 8 albums in nine years, and two stone-cold five star classics in successive years (91&92). If they'd spent three years making sure every single note on Automatic For the People was "perfect" (e.g. taken out the off-script laugh on 'Dr. Zeus' in Sidewinder... etc) it wouldn't have had the same feel at all.
In the 70s alone Woody Allen released ten films, and clearly there were bits and pieces that he could have re-done, agonised over nuances and fretted over. But the pattern of constantly moving on seems to produce a far better overall cannon , and you end up with the progression from Play It Again Sam (my favourite out of all his films) to Annie Hall – the first being effectively a dry-run to be learnt from and improved upon for the Oscar winner.

Boris: I have no fear of the gallows.Father: No?Boris: No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.

Segments of Love & Death make absolutely no sense and a smattering of the gags bomb completely, but because its done so honestly it just emphasises the smartness of the ones that do worked – helped his a co-star, described by the NY Times at the time as "Miss Keaton, a wickedly funny comedienne" building on what must be the most consistent on-screen chemistry pairing ever ("There are dozens of little moments when their looks have to be exactly right, and they almost always are").

t looks sensational throughout, spurns some of the most quotable lines he's ever managed and manages to mix references to classical literature seamlessly with knockabout nonsense – as Roger Ebert put it, it's a great film "because it's been done with such care, love and lunacy"

"Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
To finish on a trite point – haters gon' hate, and they will find plenty to dislike about Woody Allen if they want, but they shouldn't. Get past, if needs be, being 'creeped out' by the cover of the book and read some of it:
http://woodyallenitalia.tripod.com/short-uk.html

Rating :

Film Roundup ~ Then She Found Me

2007. Director Helen Hunt. Starring Helen Hunt, Colin Frith, Mathew Broderick, Bette Midler.

‘B-side & Rarities’ albums are usually split down the line between songs that are fantastic & baffling as to how the band overlooked them for wider exposure, and those that, to use a Q/Mojo album review staple: “are B-sides for a reason”.

The same divide can probably be used for ‘Films bought in CEX, used and costing less-than-£3’, some are great and a really good discovery – whilst some are, um, ‘pre-owned for a reason’.

This, apparently Helen Hunt’s directorial debut, is firmly in the latter camp. It’s not quite an absolute atrocity, but .....well, if a case can be made that Bette Midler gives the most consistent, realistic to a point, role....then you have to worry.

It starts off at breakneck pace, with plotlines coming in from right, left and centre, but none of them are given any lasting attention at all or appropriate focus.


Having seen the whole film, one of the opening scenes is a microcosm of the bigger picture: Mathew Broderick is home, waiting for his wife to get in from work (it turns out they work together, it seems like in a uni, but it’s not, it’s a junior school) pondering the best way to confess he’s had an affair with another teacher in the same corridor, at the same school (this is never mentioned again), Helen Hunt comes in, somehow manages in about five seconds to change and put on lingerie under her work coat, and brace herself to reluctantly hear his confession of infidelity.

They then have sex on a table, he gets up and – I might have got this wrong, but I’m sure this is what happens – gets a bag and says “I’ll see you at work”. But its dark and she’s just come home from work. And they work together remember. But ‘the next day’, there’s no sign of him, leaving the class he’s teaching to merge into her puipils, casuing uproar. All very hectic.

A recurring fault is that you don’t really get any clear sense of how long this rift - or anything else - has been brewing: you see them get married, “ten months” is bandied about as to how long they’d been together when he decides he “doesn’t want this life”, but it’s difficult to ascertain whether the film is set over, say, a couple of years – or a month or so.

Helen Hunt is still somewhat baffled – and fair play to her, as director she shows no vanity in filming her character, there’s only one scene where she looks anything better than dishevelled, super-stressed and gaunt – by the speed of events, when she in the maelstrom of the two groups of young kids being put together, sets eyes on Colin Firth, there to drop one of his two children off.

In another line that could be used against the entire film as indictment and evidence of it trying to pile in as much ‘intrigue’ as possible she fends him off by saying “I split up with my husband nine hours ago! Can you control yourself for five minutes!?” Well, quite.

The pattern of the film ends up being like an unsatisfying 50 over cricket innings – gung-ho, hectic start with hit-and-miss “big shots” and then a reprise of the frenzied action at the end where everything simply must have a conclusion within the fixed timeframe, but with a meandering, attention diverting miss-mash in between. Uneven and unfulfilling.

To ramble on, something like Reds on the other hand would be a good Test match, flowing and steady. Periods of drift, very lengthy, no rush, an audience unfriendly interval, and after all this, an unclear, slightly unsatisfactory result. 5 Days for a draw. Colin Frith, incidentally, could play Andrew Strauss , easily. No idea what the plot would be. But the role is his for the taking.
Sage reminder of the up-and-down fortunes of actors provided by Firth in this film too. It’s an almost self-parodic role as a love-lorn, hard-done-by, neurotic English gentleman. He certainly seems an awful long way from an Oscar-winning comeback three years hence in his worryingly moist-eyed, fanatical, choked-throat declaration of admiration to Hunt in his interview on the DVD extras.

In keeping with the baffling tone of the whole project, these bonus-features strike totally the wrong note; Helen Hunt unwisely draws attention to the fact that this was ten years in the making, Firth is on the brink of tears as he salutes the project's bravery, beauty and brilliance – and Broderick leads people to believe its a laugh-a-minute comedy in which he has more than three scenes (0ne of which, admittedly, does have a decent if generic joke).....bizarre.

> Within the first ten minutes there’s been a wedding, an affair, a passionate reunion, a job crisis, the beginning of another affair, a funeral (her adoptive mum dies), and then a reconciliation with her blood mother – once more, indecently rushed through: a messenger arrives at the school whilst Helen is still poking herself frantically in the f’head to try to fathom her first encounter with this 'frosty but cute' single-dad...next scene we’re in a restaurant for the meeting.

This introduces Bette Midler, playing a caricatured, loud-mouth, sex-pot US chatshow host. Hopefully that will put my early mention of her being the solidest character into context- nuanced it aint – but it is reasonably amusing in its own way.

One of the review comments I’ve seen says “Hunt knows when to rein in the Divine Miss M instead of allowing her to go into full Kabuki mode”, which as well as being one of the campest things ever committed to record, is with all due respect, total bollocks. It is a very OTT performance but it is believable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RoSgwt6mcc This is the trailer <. It basically covers everything (and more, there are very important bits that are alluded to here that are skipped over pretty much without mention in the actual final cut). And what it covers is a a total miss-mash, with potentially intriguing angles (the re-attraction and pull of her husband, the adopted child v natural child battle for love) being briefly brushed over whilst anodyne filler (Colin Firth’s insomnia, the main character’s religious doubts) being relatively dwelt on and indulged. The nadir is probably the scene two-thirds through when Frith, on discovering she’s briefly returned to her husband (via a very lazy plot/prop device), gives his essay at Clive Owen’s infamously sour rant at Julia Roberts in Closer – ending by saying he hopes she loses her baby (she does, unfathomably informed of the miscarriage by a cameo-ing Salman Rushdie as a doctor...) and that his own kids can “go fuck themselves”. It’s a limp tirade, and fittingly, is totally ignored as they end up together at the end anyway, although (as queried before) whether these multiple U-Turns have happened over a reasonable period or (as it seems) a couple of weeks is difficult to grasp. And its clumsily thrown in at the very end that they've adopted a Chinese girl. Of course.
Plus points; it is original, can’t think of anything it’s lifting from, and the mix of stars is ...it doesn’t work but....the casting is intriguing.
Overall, it is just not a good film – but worse, it becomes infuriatingly bad quite often.
Look out for it in a second hand shop near you soon!
Rating :

Joe Scott's Take On....Albums of The Decade

When we first launched LOT, two of the categories of mooted blog filed under 'try to avoid' were "lists" and "overly musicy stuff". So, it serves as a chilling reminder of just how weed-infested, cobwebby & neglected it has been round here that I am combing those two taboos to throw my sentimental geek muso posing hat into the already swarming ring that is "end of decade run downs". The only selection criteria being: I have to own the full, proper, released album - here IMVVVVHO ;

2000. Album Of The Year: Heartbreaker ~ Ryan Adams

Easily. A total classic, would have a strong claim to being album of whichever year it was released in (except 94). Contains several songs that need to be 'rationed' because they're so powerful, as well as some that could be listened to over & over again. I am unabashedly in love with RA (as the numerous appearences further down bely) and see brilliance in pretty much everything he does, but he's never bettered this debut.

#2 QOTSA ~ Rated R

#3 Eminen ~ Marshall Mathers LP

#4 JJ72 ~ (epon)

#5 The Cure ~ Bloodflowers

#6 Belle & Sebastian ~ Fold Your Arms....

#7 Radiohead ~ Kid A

#8 Placebo ~ Black Market Music

#9 Idlewild ~ 100 Broken Windows

#10 Oasis ~ Standing On The Shoulders...

2001. Album Of The Year: The Strokes ~ This Is It

A fairly rare case of the NME rave-o-meter going doo-lalley and being completley right to do so. Basically eleven brilliant singles back-to-back.

#2 Ryan Adams ~ Gold

#3 BRMC ~ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

#4 Mull Historical Society ~ Loss

#5 Manic Street Preachers ~ Know Your Enemy

#6 Rufus Wainwright ~ Poses

#7 Kosheen ~ Resist

#8 Ed Harcourt ~ Here Be Monsters

#9 Thursday ~ Full Collapse

#10 Mushroomhead ~ XX

2002. Album Of The Year : Interpol ~ Turn On the Bright Lights

Not quite as clear cut as the first two, but a worthy winner. Very murky & mysterious, Joy Division atmospherics with early-REM-style mumbled vocals, but deceptivley 'big rock' playing - like the massive solo on The New.

#2 The Vines ~ Highly Evolved

#3 Nelly ~ Nellyville

#4 The Libertines ~ Up The Bracket

#5 Idlewild ~ The Remote Part

#6 QOTSA ~ Songs For The Deaf

#7 Ryan Adams ~ Demolition

#8 Eminen ~ The Eminen Show

#9 Go Go Market ~ Hotel San Jose

#10 Paul Weller ~ Illumination

2003. Album Of The Year : British Sea Power ~ The Decline Of BSP

Gets over a slightly slow start to come in at track four with Something Wicked and then doesnt drop off from lovely, melodic, witty songs at any point. With the gorgeous A Wooden Horse, has probably the best last track of the ones I've picked.

#2 Ryan Adams ~ Love Is Hell 1&2

#3 The Strokes ~ Room On Fire

#4 Ryan Adams ~ Rock And Roll

#5 M83 ~ Dead Cities Lost Islands...

#6 Hot Hot Heat ~ Make Up The Breakdown

#7 Radiohead ~ Hail To The Thief

#8 The Thrills ~ So Much For The City

#9 Blur ~ Think Tank

#10 Cooper Temple Clause ~ Kick Up The Flames

2004. Album Of The Year : The Radio Dept ~ Lesser Matters

A dreamy, warm, heart-wrenching Swedish indie masterpiece. Starts with the lyric "...stick around for as long as you like, we will be here,spend some time in the sun..." and ends 43 almost perfect minutes later with "...this life that I embrace, despite amusements I chase, I'll see you some day, see you some day" and is just as wonderfully twee continuoulsy between.

#2 Delays ~ Faded Seaside Glamour

#3 The Veils ~ The Runaway Found

#4 Youth Group ~ Skeleton Jar

#5 Morrissey ~ You Are The Quarry

#6 John Legend ~ Get Lifted

#7 NERD ~ Fly Or Die

#8 Girls Aloud ~ What Will The Neighbours Say?

#9 The Fades ~ Social Misfits

#10 REM ~ Around The Sun

2005. Album Of The Year : Black Rebel Motorcycle Club ~ Howl

By a mile, despite some other belters this year. From a cracking 1st album to a slightly iffy and unimaginative 2nd where they'd barely turned anything down below Jesus & Mary Chain screeching guitars, for some obscure reason BRMC decided to 'do a Bob Dylan'. Instead of it being a horrible, forced experiment - it turned out to be utter, stone-cold genius. Just as oddly, they pretty much switched back to the default sound after this - the only valid reason could be that they knew they just wouldnt be able to make anytjing this good again in their folky,religious,righteous mode.

#2 An Emergency ~ Irony Nein Danke!

#3 Bloc Party ~ Silent Alarm

#4 Editors ~ The Back Room

#5 Idlewild ~ Warnings/Promises

#6 We Are Scientists ~ With Love And Squalour

#7 QOTSA ~ Lullabies To Paralise

#8 Ryan Adams ~ Cold Roses

#9 Nine Black Alps ~ Everything Is

#10 Ryan Adams ~ 29

2006. Album Of The Year : Film School (epon)

Bought on a whim after a review in something said they were like 'if Morrissey was singing for Interpol...but it was dreadful' , turned out to be nothing like Moz, not much like Interpol and not the least bit dreadful. '11:11' and 'On and On' are probably the only stand-out tracks individually but the whole piece sits together so well.

#2 Arctic Monkeys ~ Whatever You Say I Am...

#3 The Pipettes ~ We Are The Pipettes

#4 The Long Blondes ~ Someone To Drive You Home

#5 Nelly Furtado ~ Loose

#6 Nicky Wire ~ I Killed The Zeitgeist

#7 John Legend ~ Once Again

#8 We Yes You No ~ Everything

#9 Guillemots ~ Through The Windowpane

#10 James Dean Bradfield ~ The Great Western

2007. Album Of The Year : Club 8 ~ The Boy Who Couldnt Stop Dreaming

Controversial choice maybe, but for being so,so much better than it had any right to be this deserves it. A Swedish couple who dropped their trip-hop, chill-out style and decided to dress in turtle-neck, dowdy knit-wear & 'go' a bit Beth Orton, if she was in the Sugababes, and wrote in a slightly clunking, English-not-as-first-language manner. "I've got what takes to be on my way. With a pen and paper... I say!". One of the most played albums out of everything I've ever bought. Fantastic stuff.

#2 Rihanna ~ Good Girl Gone Bad

#3 Klaxons ~ Myths Of The Near Future

#4 Timbaland ~ Shock Value

#5 The Horrors ~ Strange House

#6 Nine Black Alps ~ Love/Hate

#7 Sophie Ellis Bextor ~ Trip The Light Fantastic

#8 Seventeen Evergreen ~ Life Embarasses Us

#9 Ryan Adams ~ Easy Tiger

#10 Candie Payne ~ I Wish I Could Have ....

2008. Album Of The Year : The Last Shadow Puppets ~ The Age Of The Understatement

Again, a change of style - from the Arctic Monkeys/Little Flames stuff that had gone before,- but once more, really nicley done. Having already been into both of them and being a massive Scott Walker fan, this was a bit of a gimmee really. A fairly telegraphed switch it may have been ("about as subtle as an earthquake I know") but it would have been esay to just do a 'trubute to the 60s' album, and add nothing, but they really managed to put modern & personal feelings & lyrics into the style. And it sounded beautiful right through.

#2 These New Puritans ~ Beat Pyramid

#3 The Cure ~ 4:13 Dream

#4 British Sea Power ~ Do You Like Rock Music?

#5 Ryan Adams ~ Cardinology

#6 REM ~ Accelerate

#7 We Are Scientists ~ Brain Thrust Mastery

#8 Katy Perry ~ One Of The Boys

#9 Scarlett Johansson ~ Anywhere I Lay My Head

#10 John Legend ~ Evolver

2009. Album Of The Year : God Help The Girl (epon)

Could be described as a concept album, and a brave revue, collaborative scheme - or as a Belle & Sebastien album with guest singers, but either way it is outstandingly good. I think of it as being a bit like The Bell Jar or 'Girl Interupted' if they were set in a somewhere grim & Northern in UK. Contains some applause-worthyly quirky lyrics ("too verbose! You come too close! Sir, please step back & think!", "I read a book a day, like an apple", Hiding 'neath my umbrella, agreeable kind o' fella") and is probably the indie-est thing ever. Again, has been played to death.

#2 Manic Street Preachers ~ Journal For Plague Lovers

#3 Yeah Yeah Yeahs ~ Its Blitz!

#4 The Horrors ~ Primary Colours

#5 Idlewild ~ Post Electric Blues

#6 La Roux ~ (epon)

#7 Arctic Monkeys ~ Humbug

#8 School Of Seven Bells ~ Alpinisms

#9 White Lies ~ To Lose My Life....

#10 Rihanna ~ Rated R

2010. Album Of The Year : Chew Lips ~ Unicorn

Just holds off the temptation to give the Manics a Jack Nicholson's Oscar style nod for their second belter in a row, but this is more of a sound of 2010-record to finish on. 'Karen', 'Slick', 'Seven' & 'Gold Key' are the pick off this and hopefully they'll go onto great things. (see review from March this year)

#2 Manic Street Preachers ~ Postcards From A Young Man

#3 Delphic ~ Acolyte

#4 Band Of Horses ~ Infinite Arms

#5 Klaxons ~ Surfing The Void

#6 Amy MacDonald ~ A Curious Thing

#7 BRMC ~ Beat The Devil's Tatoo

#8 Interpol ~ (epon)

#9 We Are Scientists ~ Barbara

#10 Joshua Radin ~ Simple Times