So Alive It Isn't Real

Before I start, I would like to reassure anyone in two minds whether to bother with reading this that I will not interrupt my 'coverage' at any point, regardless of the declaration of nuclear war, death or any other event no matter how seismic. The blog will go on.

Brains retrained by a 24 inch remote

What on earth was that about though? To recap, the BBC received 'over 850' ('more than 1,350' according to the ever keen Daily Mail: "The coverage was so over the top. You would have thought the Queen of England had died it was so all consuming") about cutting ten minutes off from a repeat of an episode of Mrs Brown's Boys to report the news that one of - by any assessment- one of the most significant figures of the last century had died. 

I'm not bothered about what programme it was they interrupted, so much as the total lack of perspective this is indicative of. How inured to actually thinking about anything do you have to be to not understand the basic principle that some things are bigger than others?

I remember being a bit peeved in 1995 when the BBC cut off from the cricket to announce that Douglas Hurd had resigned as Foreign Secretary. A far less monumental event, and I love watching the Test match - but there is a hierarchy of events that you figure out and accept.

Even more hope-sapping is the fact that it hasn't been laughed out of sight entirely. The Metro managed to slop some reassuringly grey gruel into the greyed-out dead brains of the grey masses on the grey omnibus that they were right to have been furious at the snooty BBC for tricking them into momentarily thinking "who's this guy? He isn't Irish!".

Ross McGuiness, who has previously penned such thought-provoking articles as 'Which Is The Best Meerkat Advert?', 'Should We Wear Sunglasses To Bed?', 'What's The Point Of PMQs?' and 'Star Wars Lego Sucking Girl Becomes YouTube Hit', backed the complainers:

"....the BBC have a channel called BBC News. If people want to know what’s going on in the world, they can watch that.Those watching Mrs Brown are within their rights to expect the entire show to be broadcast....The BBC can tell them about Mandela’s death ...on their news channel." 

Eh?

'If people want to go what's going on in the world'.

What an amazing sentence. 'If'?!

Following through his argument, why ever show the news on BBC (or ITV, or 4) then? People can just go to the news channel! Would would happen if a war did break out? Would people just be expected to find out in their own time - and maybe think after a few big bangs outside

'Blimey, what's going on here then? Flick to News 24 for a min baybz..'

"Cant find the changer, shall we just leave it? Probably nothing"

'Yeah. Thinking about it, I don't even want to know what's going on in the world actually. Not going to affect us is it?' 

Making Me Shallow

There shouldn't on paper be many surer bets than Everton to win this weekend. In the Premier League our record at home to Fulham is P12, W12, F28 A 6. Fulham are struggling pretty horribly and we've just put together our best three consecutive performances for about six years. It's been a pleasure to see such positive, vibrant displays. Maybe the most eye-opening section of all three was the last ten minutes; against Stoke we kept going for more goals, at Utd we made it so there would only be one winner - and then at Arsenal got up and came back admirably after a bit of a sickener in conceding and (barring Giroud's superb effort) looked most likely to nick a fabulous match. 

This fixture has fallen at reasonable times for Fulham too at times - the game where Saha scored his first goal for us was in amidst a turgid spell of form, with a very prickly crowd and a line-up with no discernible pattern or shape. I vividly recall Arteta cocking up a quick freekick by playing the ball to Yakubu when he was about ten yards offside - the Yak then gormlessly played it anyway, the flag went up and there was a torrent of frustrated derision from the stands.

And we still won that.

Even by 'typical Everton' standards, it would be something of an anticlimax to drop anything in this one. I don't think we will, but I think it will be tougher than it might be supposed - 2-1 to the Mighty Blues.

Can I Borrow A Feeling? 

The only change to an XI that has surprised even the most optimistic of observers in the last two games by looking so effective and comfortable is that James McCarthy is suspended. That's a shame because he has been playing as well in centre-midfield for us as anyone since Arteta in early 2009 just before doing his knee at Newcastle. The signing from Wigan is nowhere near as classy or as much of a threat going forward, but for covering the pitch and dominating from the middle he's been immensely impressive so far.

So Leon Osman will probably come in - although Martinez must be very tempted to use McCarthy's absence as a way to get Gerard Deulofeu into the team, after 'amking an impact' so noticeably over the past week. The finish at Arsenal was in some ways quite simple, but not something that I could imagine any other player I've seen for Everton score bar Rooney.

It's been amusing to see the desperate attempt to find a negative aspect to the season so far which has been a spate of comments and stories about us being "Loaneverton".

The aforementioned Arteta, along with Pienaar and Howard from the current side, and Duncan Ferguson going further back, were all initially loan signings and it wasn't like they only began to earn points for us once we'd made the signings permanent. In all cases there was also negative briefing to the effect that we'd never be able to retain them.

The flip side is that if we had somehow signed Lukaku and Deulofeu (plus Barry), the crushing lack of imagination which makes up 99.9% of the received wisdom regurgitating vacuity that passes as football punditry would be saying "they're off at the end of the season anyway"(for the record, I think at least two of the three will very likely be playing for Everton next season, and the better we do can only enhance the chances of any/all of them staying).

So, can you really do anything other than just enjoy players whilst you've got them? After Rooney's historic first goal the media rushed to say he'd not long be around,and any realistic fan knew that was a possibility too - did it undermine the moment when he scored at Leeds a few weeks later? Did Liverpool fans think during Suarez's extraordinary display last week 'I should be enjoying this, but i cant shake it out of my head that Madrid might come back in soon - he wont be ours forever y'know?'.

No they did not - and if they did they're miserable gobshites who shouldn't even bother watching what is an essentially 'of the moment' sport.

Life Is Beautiful

Having said that, some games do carry the weight of more than just 90 minutes and lets see who wins. As you'd expect from the head-to-head stats mentioned earlier, on the whole these have been pretty enjoyable matches in the main, but the most memorable and most significant is without question Moyes' first match in charge.

In complete contrast to what Martinez said before the Utd game about preferring a good, stylish display to a sneaky 1-0 win (its an indication of how well things are falling for him right now that he got a combination of both) - this just had to be won, with any aesthetic considerations shunned entirely.

Whereas we can pick two out of Deulofeu, Pienaar or Mirallas for the wide roles on Saturday, the "wingers" in this game were Lee Carsley and David Unsworth. Whatever criticism there is of David Moyes (and I have/had more than most) you cant lose sight of the fact that in the 'long view' he made an enormous amount of progress. The squad we had assembled by this point (March 2002) was stagnant, totally unfit, incoherent and de-motivated.

And so frightfully incompetent had recent tactics/performances been, we were underachieving even from that level of expectation.

So, to the chagrin of a frankly incredible 72% in a Echo poll who disagreed at the time, Walter Smith was removed and in came Moyes from Preston, everyone was 'taken out' from shambles at Middlesbrough and a limited but at least vaguely comprehendable line-up was sent out to a wet, grim, muddy Goodison which hadn't seen a goal from open play in its last four games.

If any goals have ever been scored purely by fervent, logic-defying zealotry from the stands then it was these two; after 27 seconds Unsworth blammed one in from the corner of the area and a few minutes later Ferguson chased down a backpass, charged down Van Der Saar's clearance then outpaced him to slot in.

The lack of conditioning in the squad was then laid bare: we were knackered after 25 minutes. Gravesen got sent off and the second period was played I would guess 96% in our defensive half. And one of the brief parts that wasn't only occurred because David Weir curled a pass deliberately, cynically but effectively right towards their corner flag along the ground so it held up on the grimy pitch and gave everyone a couple of seconds breather. Barry Hayles got one back and the pattern of play intensified. The phrase 'backs to the wall' is often used, but from what I remember we ended up playing a sort of 8-1-0 formation with Joe Max Moore(!) as the furthest man forward.

But we hung on, and things got better. 

Berby Can I Hold You Tonight

If Martinez is wondering what he could do in January to improve the squad and give us that extra dimension to finish as high as possible then surely he will have raised an intereted eyebrow when that paragon of reliability the Gossip Column reported that the me-proclaimed best player in the world Dimitar Berbatov is frustrated at 'the Cottage' and would like a move.

This is the moment. He's 32, so, even though it will be amazing to watch him in a few years when he slows down and plays in a more peripheral way, here is the last realistic moment for Everton do something purely to indulge me. It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, but if (as seems sadly likely) Jelavic is going to go, and someone like West Ham pay us decent money for him, we are going to be short of options upfront.

We have struggled at times to break down ordinary defences (0-0s v Cardiff, Palace & West Brom), he would surely be as close-to-motivated as he's ever going to be by trying to get in the Champions League, possibly over two of his former teams and would be a great influence for Barkley and the other young players. It could hardly be a bad thing to add someone who even as curmudgeonly figure as Alan Hansen admitted on MOTD2 is "in the top three players for pure technical ability in the history of the Premier League...maybe even number one".

Of course, he followed that up with a fairly blistering attack on his 'attitude', which isn't really the right word for me - does running round to no end show a good attitude necessarily?

Hansen said his effort etc was 'absolutley shocking...embarrassing...a disgrace' and implied it got Jol fired.
You'd never get such unhedged criticism in reverse.No pundit would ever be so frank as to say about a limited but trying player "his workrate is good, but his touch, vision and composure are an utter disgrace.....by consistently miss-controlling and giving the ball away, he's contributed to getting the manger sacked" even though they're deficiencies just as likely to lead to bad results.

As well as all that, he's also starting to show a lovable wacky side, with his cartoons of Snoop, uploading photos of him brandishing his kid in the sky and crazily patriotic delight in Bulgarian athletes success in even the most junior and obscure competitions

Also: This.How can anyone see that and not fancy a bit of it?  So come on. Just for the hell of itSign him, make him captain, put him on everything - you know it makes sense.

 Please, please, please.....

The Perfect Blend

Start Me Up

Hi! I'm going to do that bit like Jack Dee does on one of them 'Laugh Shop' shows: come out, do a little bit of easy warm up banter to get the crowd going, hand over to one of them young Russell comics for the main bit, then come back out at the end, say they were great and try and finish on a decent note.

So....... that Autumn Statement eh?

"Ar ay, you've gotta feel for the lad - he's got a shite name, a shite face and no idea what he's meant to be doing most of the time"

That's just something I overheard two workies saying on my way out of work today.

"Ye wha?! Me be arsed?! I should be arsed - ha! She's a cow so i'm not arsed y'know. Til she stops being a cow I wont stop being not arsed about her & her shitty little washer dryer"

That was a girl on the phone on the bus home. 

Anyone see this story form last week about that screffy no-mark Michael Chopra gambling....or something? Not at all interesting but it went to a court case and it revealed that his dad's name is Minty. Minty Chopra!

I found that hilarious, but it was subsequently pointed out to me that he is of Indian descent and that Minty in fact isn't that unusual in being used as a diminutive name in some cultures - that photo above is author Minty Tejpal apparently- not as I thought TV's Tony Robinson going to a WWE-themed fancy dress party as Nailz - so its not that funny, and could even be a bit racist.....

Follow that!

Interesting mix

SHAGGY, EDMONTON, NOVEMBER 2013 (by Niall)

Back in the summer of 2006, I found myself unemployed, as did one of my very best friends. Owing to economic circumstances married to a spectacular inability to decide what we were going to do with ourselves post-school (ongoing…), I used to trek (and by ‘trek’ I mean get the 60 a few stops) to Graeme Hall’s house nearly every day - and we’d lock ourselves away in Graeme’s small bedroom and talk and ponder and watch films and that was all very interesting, but there were three main things we did:

Play on ‘Soccer Life’, which is a terrible game which we somehow made into the greatest piece of theatre possible; affairs, houses, modelling careers and irregular substitute appearances for Deportivo were just some of the dizzying highs and terrifying lows we went through. Together.

We also fell into that despairingly clichéd trap of watching ‘Neighbours’ twice a day. The show has had many ups and downs in it’s inplausibly long run, but for me, 2006-07 was surely its peak, being at the same time both saucy and ludicrous. Paul Robinson was on top form as heel and a few racy storylines got the pulses racing. 

The Lads

Indeed, I remember being furious at having to go back to my previous work mid-summer to help a “Sports Week” in Calderstones, which meant I barely caught one episode a day, if that. Fury that nearly boiled into, erm, anger (is that worse?) when it was gloatingly revealed that I had missed several ultra-light lesbian sessions between Pepper and the other one.

The Lads

And we also slipped into the habit of listening to Orville “Shaggy” Burell’s seminal pop-reggae crossover album ‘Hot Shot’. Lots. Like, too much.Perhaps it was the attempt to find middle ground between mine and Graeme’s fairly similarish music tastes (especially at that time) or the need for something not-too-weighty to distract us from Australian soap n' soft-core and being virtual soccer superstars, but either way we all enjoyed it, and made a pact that, if we ever got a sniff of the chance, we’d HAVE to go and see the Great Man himself live. But he never really came close to touching British soil….

Comfortably topping this bill

Fortunately, circumstances provided me with the chance this weekend. One circumstance is me being here in Edmonton. The other is Shaggy’s presumably dire financial straits, that have sent him out to perform club gigs wherever will take him. “If only I’d saved some of ‘Feel The Rush’ fee UEFA paid me”, he’ll be thinking. So, braving the snowy conditions, we (me and ‘me bird’; didn’t go on me bill, did I?) arrived at The Union Hall Bar with a mixture of excitement and trepidation; if he nails it, it’ll be great, but if he’s shit, then I will be saddened and his memory will be forever sullied. UH is basically The Kazimier with Krazyhouse décor; a good lickle venue, from what I could tell. And perfectly sized for The Shagster and his posse; 65% of whom were dreadlocked; bare reggae lads not afraid of stereotyping themselves, which is nice to see.

Clearly happened

We had to wait for him though. Firstly, we had a white rap duo. Sounds bad? They were. Awful. Terrible. The Worst. Honestly, they were horrible to watch; I don’t think they were supposed to be a parody, but with lines like “I pull my fucking gun out cos I just don’t give a fuck”, that is what they seemed like. If they were, they didn’t let the audience in on the joke, so either way, comedy or not, the crowd were just left bemused. We needed someone to come and pick us up. A big, big name is all that would do for the restless, bevied up masses. A genuine star was needed…

"Rayvon has chosen to broaden his musical landscape with the addition of hip hop and roots reggae to his already proven smooth Dancehall/R & B sounds on the forthcoming (untitled) CD"

Did I mention that Rayvon was supporting? Well he was, and he was here to save us. I say that in jest, but he was actually okay, as a crowd warmer and in his own right. Look up “Story Of My Life” if you don’t believe me.

It Wasn't Murali

Then, at 12.44am, Shaggy himself took to the stage. For us Brits, that’s quite late isn’t it? But having been to a couple of late-night gigs over here, I might say that it’s better, in a way. By finishing at about 2.30am, you know where you stand. If this happened in Manchester, we’d all be sound, as we’d make plans to stay out/get a hotel or something. As it stands, gig-going has forever been fraught with the feeling that, “yeah, this is boss, but can you wrap it up soon lads? I’ve got to leg it down Oxford Road for the last train home in a minute. And I wanna get a Fanta and some of those Jaffa Cake Bars for the journey too, so if you’d just do the one-song encore that’d be sound. Cheers Marshall lad, nice one”. Certainly, for this type of ‘fun’ gig, it works better for the atmosphere too. With people bevvied and gagging for a song that they knew, Shaggy couldn’t fail.

Eve kicking it in Kenya with Shaggy

He did all the hits and some songs that (only) I knew from Hot Shot and some vaguely familiar latter-day singles; who could forget the feminist anthem ‘Strength Of A Woman’? Or not like the towering, life affirming ‘Hope’? Obviously, the biggest pops were reserved for ‘Boombastic’, ‘Carolina’ and the mega, mega hits. He was joined for ‘Angel’ by, shockingly, Rayvon, and the Rayvonster stayed on and paid his dues for ‘It Wasn’t Me’ too. As if seeing this slab of musical genius live wasn’t enough, we were also treated to it being made into a sort of mini-play; extra conversations between verses, maximum audience involvement, and some fine, fine interplay that led us into the “gonna tell her that I’m sorry” part. He even said Edmonton (“wooohhh”) is the best party town he’s ever been too, and that Edmonton (“fuck yeah!!”) has the sexiest ladies he’s ever seen. Which was either true, and a remarkable achievement for this humble Canadian outpost, or he was just saying that to get the crowd excited. Either way though; what a showman.

Originally Posted by Neighbours_Spoilers_Babe

"Oooh i wonder who the affair will be!?"

And that’s about it. This review has been quite sarky, but he was honestly good at what he was doing, it’d be disastrous if he took himself seriously, so to seem him pretty much nail the novelty fun-time shtick we all hoped for was great. If he ever comes near you, go see him. Cheers. I’m off to research that Neighbours ‘06 era again. Elle was fit, wasn’t she? That twin storyline killed it a bit. Remember Mishka? Garbage, her….

EDITORS & BRITISH SEA POWER ~ LIVERPOOL ~ November 2013

I actually don't remember Mishksa to be honest. Around that period I was living in France and very earnestly admiring, among other things, the gloom-indie musical stylings of Birmingham's Editors. Perhaps the amazing thing is that I was not at all the only person doing that. When you look at the charts now, and the way music is consumed in general, the idea of sitting round having debates over which of the two separate CDs of alternating B-sides by this very serious little band seems ridiculously anachronistic. Mind you, at the same time I was also involved in a cross-Channel epistolary debate with my current co-author about whether Kate Jackson (exactly) had nice elbows or not.

More like Edith Woe-man & the erm...Wanted

I've (inevitably) not follwed their later career with anything like that enthusiasm (not helped by the inteelectaully bereft idea that no band where the singer went out with Edith Bowman could possibly be cool) so wasnt quite sure what this gig would have in store, excpet looking forward to a nice night out with the lovely Ctaherine (who bought the tickets for my birthday).

"Of legal drinking age, on minimum wage?

Well, welcome in"

The first pleasant surprise was the support act, British Sea Power, who I would happily go to see in their own right. I think the worked much better as a support band than when I saw them in the same role for Manics in 2010. They rattled through a really buoyant set ('Waving Flags' was probably the stand out) and the could-be gimmicky addition of two huge dancing bears worked really well. I definitely wouldn't have said that in 2006/07, but the contrast a bit fun provided before the main act was very well judged.

As Editors were a complete revelation - they found an atmosphere that suited them perfectly, with a strut and, dare I say it, even sexiness that I'd never associated with them before. At times they almost fell into a good end of Emo category, they were so intense, loud and unashamedly, well, emotional. From the first song, Sugar, which i'd never haerd before, I thought 'oh, this is going to be excellent', after that they went into 'Someone Says' (a minimalist remix of which was on one of the "Ales Tapes") and throughout mixed the old classics with really impressive newer stuff.

In fact, literally the only two tracks I wasn't that into were ones that Cat said she enjoyed, so they covered all bases. If I was doubly deluded enough to think anyone would i) read this far ii) listen to my music recommendations, i would say check out: 'A Ton Of Love' for it being the most blatant Echo & The Bunnymen lift I've ever heard but still being great, 'Eat Raw Meat = Blood Drool', for having the worst title for such a brilliant song, 'All Sparks' because its the one off the first album that sounded especially good revamped, and 'Papillon' because its an absolute banger and was a fantastic end to the best set I've seen live by a band for years.

That'll Be A Good Bit For At The End

The Lads

So, I was in CeX this evening - I was looking for a cheap copy of About Schmidt or Election, they didnt have either - and there were a gormless looking couple of troglodytes browsing not far away. 

The guy picked up the DVD for Inviticus and suggested to her:

"Oh, I heard he died didn't he? So this might be good"  (logic!)

 And she replied:

"Who, Matt Damon?!"

Fucks Sake.

It Ended On An Oily Stage

A blog stubbornly, contrarily, turning its blind-eye to a highly media-covered, seismic result last night and instead bitching on generally and then focusing on a Canadian Ice Hockey match from three weeks ago.

You Better Get With The Programme

Footballer Leon Osman is pictured sat off looking at a tree in this file photo

In the second-half of Everton spanking Stoke at the weekend, I was lucky enough to be sat just in front of a guy who summed up everything that's ridiculous about football fans at times. The manager had caused a few slight stirs by changing the side to rest players for the much more trying matches later in the week at Utd and Arsenal. This wasnt without risk, as a turgid draw agaisnt a team who've given us problems in teh apst would have elicited mass grumbling, but after one of the suprise picks, Deulofeu put us ahead it was a romp and an extremley classy display, with the added bonus of being able to keep one or two players on the bench to rest up.

Footballer Gerard Deulofeu is pictured in shocking red shorts pointing in this file photo

From the moment you saw the teamsheet the implication was that Barkley and Mirallas would be starting at Old Trafford. Could this guy see that though? Well, no he couldnt, and obvoulsy i wouldnt be mentioning it if he did. Throughout the half, as the 2nd, 3rd and 4th goals went in, thsi was his refrain:

"Needs to get Barkley on here!"
"Get Osman OFFFF!"
"Need to get Ross on"
"How is Mirallas not in this side?!"
"Osman!? Get 'im off!"
"Ross Barkley on now please!"
"Osman! He cant be starting games against Utd , its a joke!"
"Get. Barkley. On!!!"

Just sensless ranting, unable to see what is actually going and imgaine the possibility of the existance of something resembling a 'big picture'.

To summarise his whole outlook:

'The manager's game plan has worked to perfection here'

"He needs to fucking change it! NOW!!"

It Ended On An Oily Stage (by Niall)

Singer Hilary Duff is pictured at an Edmonton Oilers game in this file photo

The Edmonton Oilers are a professional Ice Hockey team who play and live and mingle in Edmonton. Which, by way of coincidence, is where I too live and mingle and wait for international clearance to work. In the meantime, I can give you curious folks a brief report on going to see said hockey team in action against local-ish rivals Toronto.

I suppose I'd better set the scene very quickly: the Oilers suck. They do. Not according to me, but to anyone who knows anything about hockey, they do. They are in the midst of one of their worst ever starts, and have barely managed to eke out victories or even goals during this torrid beginning to the campaign. Bless them though, if this hasn't given me a soft spot for them though; it'd be no fun trying to start to support them if they were any good. (And obviously twenty years of supporting Everton has hardened me somewhat to sporting disappointment).

No idea what's going on (is that a jelly?) in this file photo

Anyway: to the game!! This was a couple of weeks back, so The City Of Champions (I think that nickname is a non-hockey reference to be honest) was not yet covered in the knee-high blanket of snow which is enveloping us now. They play in Rexall Place, which is a standard indoor arena type affair, but genuinely does seem to have a tad more charm to it that, say, the MEN; possibly because the incumbent hockey team have managed to make their years of playing there fill it with an aura of tradition and history. Or maybe because one of the wall decortations downstairs is a very large picture of Tina Turner, mid-scream, thighs akimbo.

You are able to get a drink whenever you like, which is reasonable. At $9.25, which is, er, unreasonable, but expected. Sadly queing for said bev meant we missed the lads coming out to a hockey-themed remix of 'Hollaback Girl' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-vTY_mPtdM

And we missed kick off too (I called everything by it's soccer terms; the puck is the ball, deffo) and just as we found our seats, 'we' went 1-0 down. At which point I stopped calling them 'we'.

After this, the Oilers actually played ok, from what I could tell, for the rest of that period and up until Toronto scored 2 quick counters midway through the second. Then it was pretty much game over. The view and the gameplay is quite good, it's actually easier to follow live than on TV, as the eye can pick up on the speedy puck a lot better. For what it's worth I found Edmonton frustrating to watch, as they held onto the ball (yeah, ball) far too long and made strange 'hoofs' upfield, which I am assured are tactical but look somewhat desperate to the untrained eye.

Q: Why are the Edmonton Oilers like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver! 

The crowd were very mixed, both in terms of demographics and who they were supporting; Toronto brought a lot of supporters for the game, and that made the atmosphere fairly strange and a bit 'naughty' as Danny Dyer would say. If I asked him. Which I wouldn't. Because he's a bad, bad twat. Indeed, a fight broke out just in front of us which left a couple of bloody noses and some nachos on the floor. The aggressor was a portly, loud-mouthed Toronto man; Rob Ford would have been proud to see his city reflecting his unique outlook on life so many miles away.

Actor David Tennant is humorously depicted as part of an internet 'meme' in this file photo

I found the Toronto Leafs fans as a whole irksome to be fair: obviously you would be pretty buoyant at dispatching your rivals 4-0, but I'd like to think that most sets of fans would come up with better than the monotonous 'Go Leafs Go' chant. As we trudged out, disconsolate but not actually arsed really, I momentarily modified this to 'Die Leafs Die', before I stopped saying that, having realised that boozed up hockey yahoos may not actually appreciate my quick-wittedEnglish charm; a gobshite and a coward that's me.

To wrap up, if you ever go to a game, it's easy to follow and enjoyably fast-paced, if you can tolerate the garbage entertainment that Northern Americans feel like they have to twin with sports (A vote to decide which song to play between 'Sweet Caroline' and 'The FInal Countdown'. a) who cares? and b) how the fuck did 'Sweet Caroline' win, you tasteless goons?!). Overall: I would go again.

(Next week, Oilers only went and won 7-0 last. Hockey eh? Bloody hell.)

You Start The Fire

Wrestler Bret Hart is depicted as....kinell no idea sorry

Back to me this bit. I'm sure that last paragraph wasn't deliberately having a go at Ed Miliband on Desert Island Discs (which apart from Angels was actually alight I thought, and as an interview he came across really well on it. Yeah).

Doing a bit of picture sourcing for that (very thoroughly obvs) I came across loads of stuff saying 'celebrity oilers fans!' and on every one of them they had this one time Bret Hart wore one of their kits:

The lads

Interested, I had a rummage round the ol' superhighwebnet and found an interview where he said this one Raw was the best mic work he ever did:

'Do you have a favourite promo/interview in your career?'I always liked my Edmonton Oiler promo at the height of my US/Canada stuff around July ’97 …. You know the one about Canada taking care of the “sick and the old …. Gun control ..” etc etc.

http://www.pwinsider.com/article/76891/bret-hart-discusses-the-dream-match-he-never-got-to-have-wrestlemania-thoughts-who-he-thinks-should-end-undertakers-streak-and-much-more.html?p=1

(not a very detailed or probing quizzing but you cant just refer to it)

Loves it

monday-night-raw-july-7-1997

Far more detailed and worth a read is this^, an ingenious post/faux live blog of that evening's action. I particularly enjoyed:

"it’s hard to concentrate because he’s wearing his jacket partially off, and it’s this leather jacket, but he’s wearing a hockey jersey and his black wrestling tights all at once. It’s just a lot to take in"

As well as this:

"McMahon says he’d like to publicly apologize for Austin’s actions, as ruining a national anthem isn’t cool. Except when it is. (Like this time)."

A lad in a Canada T-shirt is snozzled by a cow....in this file picture. 

Being Boring

And, finally, for now, its good to see Michael Owen meta-ing the ass off the Twitter at the moment. Not many people have got onto this, but he's relaunched his account as a post-modern self-referential leap into the future by imagining his real self as caricatured version of another caricature account, which is based on another real person (James Milner), blurring the lines between real and deranged in a brave, high structuralist subversion.

Doesn't sound like something he'd do? No? Well, how else to explain the soul-sappingly banal tone of these respective comments, some by @themichaelowen and some by @BoringMilner:

• Another manager gone. This time Owen Coyle at Wigan. It's been a weekend of sackings.
• I thought Livermore's goal for Hull City was a chip but when I watched the replay you could see it was a deflection.
• Starting to get into the festive spirit. The tree is up and about to be decorated.
• Just opened door number 3 of my Advent calendar. It was a rocking horse.
• I hear Suarez was on fire tonight. Some interesting scores throughout The Premier League
• Looks like it is we're going to get some frost tonight because I have just seen a gritter.
• It's time to get the hat and gloves out today. Going to be chilly.
• Time to jump in the car and head down to London. Up bright and early in the morning .
• Shattered. Early night I think. 
• I would like to stay up and watch the Ashes but I have training in the morning and if I stay up I would be tired at training.

And that's that for now....

Christmas soon.

I Said One Two Three Shake Your Body Down

The Derby Innit

Some may say the fact that I was only alerted to the fact that yesterday that the match is on Saturday, not Sunday, and that I only realised this morning that my 'plan' for watching it wont actually be possible as my mum hasn't got the channel its on bodes ill for a preview.....

Of course its on BT Sport isn't it this time? Here we are, nearly in December and it seems only yesterday Michael Owen was whipping us into a pre-season fever of anticipation on their talk-of-the-town advertising thunderclap......"Cant wait...played in a few of those over the years" he said, and so he did:

"Can't wait..." and even as he said it, you knew he really could. I know the impression has been allowed to creep into this site's football coverage at times that its not the be-all-and-end-all(!), but seriously has there ever been a more lifeless, limp, lacking in insight excuse for a pundit? Not one person signed up for the channel on hearing that "wor Mickey" was on board did they, so why pay him to phone in half-hearted blandishments when he'd rather be somewhere else? The first game of the season, Liverpool - Stoke, was a match where he probably was one of the best placed people to provide an at least different angel, but he offered nothing but platitudes - he's not even a horrible person, he just isn't arsed but seems to think he is obliged to stay in football. Neither him nor BT will be particularly bothered though, given they're now buying up the rights to a panoply of soccertainment.

So, this will be their first chance of probably many to do a simultaneously hugely overwrought yet totally underwhelming 'ONE CITY. TWO TRIBES. ONLY...ONE...WINNER!' intro segment. Will they have their own end-of-season compilation splicing all the worst bits of these together and use them to buttress out any footage of the actual games and lure you into watching it none the less on the 27th December? If they do then they really have joined the Premiership party.

Despite all the above ennui and whining, and as touched on in other places (http://thisisnotfootball.co.uk/2013/11/20/liverpool-preview/) the slightly less intense build up to these games of late, we're not at the stage where turning up a day late is an option. Not least because this is by most standards a stand-alone intriguing game - 2nd vs 5th and two young, confident, strong-minded managers in charge. Both Rogers and Martinez (over a shorter period) have shown a genuine willingness to follow, not just talk about, a long-term plan.

To me, Liverpool getting shut of Carroll last season when they had no-one else really to play upfront with Suarez was one of the best moves by a manager in the last few seasons - it would have been far easier to keep him there, lash him on if it was 0-1 and maybe get a few more short-term points. But what Rogers did was actually pretty clever, instead preferring to keep going with his style, safe under the cover of a narrative that said he'd been screwed over in the window meant he wouldn't take too much flak in the short-term. Then in January the chance came up to sign a much better forward in Sturridge, and because the team hadn't been half of the time playing in a different style, they were ready to slot someone like that in and it didn't take long for the better player to settle in and the whole situation to make sense.

I think Martinez has done similarly after quickly assessing that the combination of getting both Barkley & McCarthy in the team at the expense of Fellaini will be best in the long-run, even if we might have dropped a bit in the here-and-now (you could easily have seen Fellaini nicking a goal in the Palace game if we'd pushed him up in the last ten). Weirdly, the fact that we've started better than I think most expected has presented a dilemma I think, in that if we'd thrown in a few more goals and dropped a few more points, the likes of Stones, Deulefou and Robles might have had more time in lower-expectations environment.

In fact even Osman has ended up starting two games at Barkley's expense recently, something that shouldn't really continue for long (especially as it hasn't worked).

Classic Encounter

Not really scraped that grimey ol' barrel of 'Greatest Wins Over Liverpool' too fervently with the People's Club branded brillo pad to come up with this one, but it was a classic as it happened, so would be perverse to implicitly downgrade it now, nearly 20 years on. This match is a sepia-tinged encapsulation of 90s football, the antithesis of the the slight detachment I feel now - I felt like I would cry if Neil Ruddock had equalised late in this highly-charged November encounter.

Everton were bottom, had won something like three games in their last thirty and were engaged in a bizaree attempt to make themelves even worse: imagine coming 17th, but with a striker who scored 21 in the season, and thinking 'I know, lets get rid of him', then 'lets swap him, at a loss, for a left back!', then 'but it needs to be a left-back who everyone already hates, is shit, and would be 3rd or 4th choice in that position if he came...'. That was the Walker doctrine.

So, a lot of creit to Peter Johnson who acted correctly, thought this slow suicide had to stop and pulled the plug on the Norwich Nostradumus and brought in Joe Royle in time for this Monday night main event.

Benefit-fraud trendsetter Tommy Smith predicted in the Echo "at least 3-0 to Liverpool" which on form was fair - under Roy Evans they had a similar team to now in some ways: attractive to watch, strikers who you didn't want to give a chance too, and a neat but occasionally lightweight midfield, and crucially, you never quite thought they were going to win anything (although if Liverpool were to beat us on Saturday, they'd look good for a real tilt at something this year).

We set up with a completely re-vamped side ('no Samways or Burrows?! Well this isnt going to work....') and the first half went by without much happening, except Matt Jackson picking up an injury that meant he had to go off at the break. The game, atmosphere and whole trajectory of the rest of our season was set by what the new manager decided to do to deal with that. Only in such a new position and in such a nothing-to-lose situation would the reaction have been to go to a kind of 3-4-3 set up with Rideout coming on and going upfront to join the big names who had done absolutely nothing so far, Amokachi & Ferguson. Straight away the game opened up, Southall made a great save from McManaman then Ruddock hacked through Ferguson from behind, and as legend has it, prompted the on-loan number 9 to buck up his ideas quite dramatically.

I cant speak for anyone else obviously, and maybe some people did go in just for the caricature off sending-off, arrests & 'problems' (he infamously got 'done' for drink driving the day of this game), but personally, as someone who is unashamedly adoring of Duncan Ferguson, I don't think the whole package would have had the irresistible allure if he wasn't as good a player as he was when fit and up for it.

After an outstanding save by James off an Amokachi shot, what seems inevitable in hindsight but was a complete joyous shock at the time, happened, Hinchcliffe swung in the corner and Ferguson got it before the keeper and scored one of the most iconic goals of my 25 or so years watching Everton. The rst of the game was played in a cauldron of intensity, with Rob Jones nearly equalising and a great moment of intensity meeting farce as both Horne and Parkinson absolutely flattened McManaman at the same time whilst a streaker bobbed about in the background. In the last minute, Hinchliffe hoisted over another cross, James flapped the ball at Ferguson and it broke for Rideout who slid the ball in pat a lunge of despair by both the keeper and Phil Babb to secure an unlikely and unforgettable 2-0 win.

Was football better then? In many ways, not at all. From lots of aspects, yes completely. It was certainly more viscerally exciting and even though the Premier League was off and running, as was Sky, it was still ragged enough for mad games to pop up, people to be surprised  - how massive was it though when Cole just went to Utd?? No rumours, no 'we understand blah blah blah' in the run up - and it was played out under looser parameters.

There was a shambolic side to it, a couple of weeks after this, there was some Wales game and the squad call-ups meant Southall, Horne and Dean Saunders just had to miss a very important league game for no logical reason as it clashed with Villa v Everton. Understandably, the higher stakes of today financially would mean there was relentless cry-arsing about this, all sorts of gobshites wheeled in to the studio to witter on about it - and the game would probably be rescheduled. That would make sense, but the way it would be done would suck a lot of the enjoyment out of the thing. Such is life I guess.

So how will it go this time? they clamour. Well, there is no indication at all that there'll be many goals: Everton's last two matches have been 0-0, as was the last game against Liverpool, and combined both teams have only let in 20 goals in 22 games so far this season.

That solidity translates to a pretty dull situation if you're someone who gets all hot under the collar about a bit of loose-lipped speculation regarding the line-up. Seven are absolutkley nailed on, defensively, with Lukaku bound to start up top. That leaves three places - I would go Barkley, Pienaar and Mirallas - none of which is remotely controversial.

In terms of predictions, what almost certainly wont happen is what happened last year (which I missed totally, being made promises about accessibility in the middle of the Lake District that were not kept) - if we go two down Liverpool have made a particular virtue of ramming home an advantage if they get ahead. And they're just a better team than twelve months ago: Brad Jones, Andre Wisdom, Nuri Sahin, Suso, Coates & Jonjo Shelvey aren't going to see much in the way of action on Saturday.

We've started iffily in our last three games too, so there's a clear danger in not beginning well. The 'new way' could help in that, as we'll be trying to pass from the off instead of coming out in tackles that may make the game look feisty when shown in a mini-montage going to the adverts or over the end credits but don't add much else except frustration and stop the game getting fully going. If Liverpool begin brightly though, the crowd will just have to stay with it and hope we hang on then grow into the game like v Tottenham.

The absolute critical area will be around the fringes our 18 yard box. I actually searched for just a generic new-fangled graphic photo to show I was talking about "stats and stuff" at this point, but it is actually of Suarez's touches this season so in theory pertinent to the mangled point I'm making. I dont worry too much about Liverpool's wide players and as good as they are, I dont see Suarez and Sturridge getting too much out of Distin and Jagilelka in the area from crosses or long-balls, but they and Coutinho are all incredibly dangerous in that space just a bit further back, so Barry and McCarthy are going to be vital and will most likely both get booked and give away a couple of cynical free-kicks.

At t'other end, I cant see that we've settled on a plan of how to get Lukaku involved regularly enough at all, and attacking-wise we haven't really 'clicked' apart from the first half v Newcastle and 2nd v Villa. Our best way to a goal will be a snap-shot from one of the midfield/support strikers.

So, finishing on a blindly optimistic partisan note, and realising I haven't actually said anything in the process of writing this that many people would disagree with -  I'm calling a a flattering, fraught, far from fabulous, 1-0 win for Everton with Barkley getting the winner.

'what, no politics bit??'